Subject: FW: Being American

I am an American.

I like big cars, big guns, and big tits.

I believe the money I make belongs to me, and not to some mid-level
governmental functionary with a comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack addicts squeezing out babies.

I don't believe having a gun is inherently dangerous.

I don't think school uniforms will solve anything, but the girls do
look cute in those short skirts.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist.

I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still
want to see it.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you should
speak English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.

I want to know when MTV became such crap.

I have no issues with anyone's accent or dialect, but "ubonics" is not
a language.

I think it's wrong to force manufacturers of products to make them
safe for idiots to use.=A0 I think that when idiots get hurt as a result
of their own idiocy, we should accept that as part of God's great plan.

I think impairment begins at birth.

I believe that marketing is a bunch of crap.

I love animals; many of them are delicious.

I think automatic transmissions are great for handicapped people.

I don't believe schools are any more dangerous now than they ever were.
I think the overwhelming majority of automobile collisions are caused
by stupidity and lack of skill, rather than alcohol or speed.

I think front wheel drive takes all the fun out of driving in snow.

I know what the definition of "is" is.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet.
When I tried pot, I inhaled.

I think people who are smart enough to be good presidents, are smart
enough not to become one.

I recognize that very few people outside the United States care
whether teens drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or have sex.

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T
or Marilyn Manson sang.

I believe that until God enlightens us on the subject, anyone who tries
to tell me when it is that a fetus becomes imbued with a soul is making
a lateral move on the intelligence scale.=A0 Abortion sucks.=A0 If a woma=
can live with it, that's up to her.

I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more insight
than working at Blockbuster.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or
fat-free on the package.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and
they can do it in schools, courthouses, city halls, or wherever else
they damn well please.

I think the WNBA is cool, as is the US Womens Soccer Team - because
they kick ass.

My heroes are John Wayne, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Norman
Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever it was who canceled "Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman".

I think violence, nudity, and sex make movies and television more
interesting.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I think global warming is Chicken Little junk science.

I've neither owned nor been a slave.=A0 I didn't wander forty years in
the desert after getting chased out of Egypt.=A0 I have never persecuted,
nor been persecuted by, any Jewish person. I haven't burned any
witches, killed any Indians, or shot any buffalo, and neither have you
so shut-the-hell-up already.

Rocky and Bullwinkle still make me laugh.

I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing
them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than
a 6 year old with a handgun.

I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson
preaches.

I don't care if Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian, or if she kisses women
on television.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them.

I think everyone had a hard childhood.=A0 The difference between people
who blame their actions on their childhood and the rest of us who take
responsibility for our actions, is that we got over it and they did
not.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but
enjoyed it anyway.

There is nothing in particular I want to say to any movie star, nor do
I care who they marry, whether they've been arrested, how much money they
>make, what kind of sneakers they wear, or how nice their house is.=A0 I
wouldn't necessarily want them to sign a piece of paper and give it to
me, unless it was a check.=A0 I recognize that being famous does not
qualify a person to go on television and render opinions on political
issues.

It is obvious to me that the mainstream media is biased in favor of
democrats, and it makes absolutely no difference in the way I think or
vote.

I believe peer pressure only affects weak kids.

I don't seek literary significance in a movie; all it has to do is
hold my attention for me to enjoy it.

I think turkey bacon, skim milk, and soy anything all suck.

I recognize that the world is not sensitive to anyone's feelings, and
we're doing children a disservice by isolating them from that reality.

I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out
that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police
eventually pull out o fthe car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class
high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.

I believe that it doesn't take a community to raise a child; it takes
a parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand.

I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please
don't pretend they are some sort of political statement and not a fad.

I had sex when I was a teenager, and the only way it hurt me was by
not happening often enough.

Don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake.

I don't care who Britney and Christina are sleeping with.=A0 However, if
it's with each other, that could be interesting.

I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for
>your living room.

I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's
feelings.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

YES, I am an American.